If you had a pain in your body, where would it be that would just drive you crazy?
For me, that’s easy. It’s the same place that even the thought of an appointment for this body part sends me in an incredible state of anxiety.
My teeth.
And my teeth hurt.
Earlier this week, I had some cavities filled on the left side of my mouth. The side that I tend to chew with. The side I tend to sleep on.
Needless to say, my mouth is not getting much rest in order for it to heal. The jaw pillow caused my temporomandibular joint to cramp up mid-fillings and they had to give me time to rest before they continued. Plus all the shots (I lost count after 5) and the soreness afterward has just added to my ridiculous anxiety about going to the dentist. And of course, all of this pain is just increasing as I’ve laid here begging for sleep to present itself.
So what does this have anything to do with not speaking up? Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
Remember earlier when I said it took at least five shots to numb the left side of my mouth? Just keep that in mind as you continue on.
Well, when I was a little girl, I wasn’t very good at taking care of my teeth. I hated brushing my teeth. In my opinion, it took way too long. So after no more than 30 seconds of scrubbing, I was done. And who had time for flossing? And mouthwash burned my mouth, so that was out. I’m sure you know where this is going.
It lead to my mom dragging a scared little girl to the dentist to get her teeth filled. And every time I went, I got exactly two shots in my mouth to ‘numb’ the pain. (The word ‘numb’ is being used very loosely here.) Then the drilling started and that sharp, excruciating, shooting pain would pierce my mouth.
But I was too scared to say anything. She was the professional, right? She knew exactly how many shots I needed and exactly where to put them so I wouldn’t feel a thing, right? I was just a little girl, what did I know? Right?
After experiencing the same thing on three different occasions, I made a decision. A decision that would save me from never experiencing that excruciating pain again for as long as I lived.
I was never going to the dentist again.
As a tween, this made complete sense. If I didn’t go to the dentist, then they wouldn’t see if I had any cavities and that would prevent me from going through all of that ever again.
And it worked. My wisdom teeth came in fine and never gave me any problems and I never had any tooth sensitivity. So obviously that meant I didn’t have any cavities. But then my gum line began to change. And a few years ago, I realized I couldn’t keep up my ‘avoid the dentist’ for much longer.
I thought to myself, “I am an adult now. I needed to be an adult and make an appointment.” And then the anxiety became overwhelming.
I was having anxiety attacks looking for a dentist. I was having anxiety attacks looking for ways to calm my anxiety about going to the dentist. I was having anxiety attacks looking for ways to calm my anxiety while at the dentist. I had an anxiety attack on the phone as I made my first adult dentist appointment. I couldn’t hide it. The receptionist had to help calm me down through the phone. “Take a deep breath.” she said, “describe your surroundings to me.” I was so embarrassed.
I remember that I specifically made the appointment for as early in the morning as I could. My thought process is that if I had less time to think about it in the morning then I would have less time to become anxious about it before I had to go through with it.
My boyfriend had rearranged his work schedule in order to take me as I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I remember I spent the entire drive re-focusing and trying my best to relax. But as they put the plastic in my mouth for the X-Rays, I couldn’t stop it. My anxiety flooded my body like a tsunami that couldn’t be stopped.
Following the cleaning with nitrous oxide attached to my face and as the oxygen was being filtered into my mask, the anxiety attack picked right up where it was left off.
And that was when I was given the script for my first anxiolytic prescription.
Looking back, I wonder, if that scared little girl had spoken up when her mouth wasn’t numb, would I have to take the entire day off for a dentist appointment now? Would I be able to go on my own? Would I have a prescription for medicine used specifically for days when I visit my dentist? Would I have as many cavities as I do now? Would my visits be so frequent?
We never know the ripple effects our decisions have on our lives. And yes, I understand that is normal for little girls to remain silent when they are unsure of something, so that is not my point. What if I was older when that happened? What if I knew in my heart that something was wrong and I chose to just keep my mouth shut?
Remember when I said that I had at least five shots when I went this week? A couple of those shots were given after the drilling had begun. They were given after I raised my hand, as instructed, and I told my dentist that I could still feel the pain from the drilling. Not just the pressure, but the actual pain of having one of my teeth drilled into. What if I hadn’t said anything, just this week?
People do things like that all the time. They are too scared to speak up in the situation they are in and then later down the road they can’t figure out why they feel a certain way or why a certain event happened.
We need to listen to our gut. As Cara Alwill Leyba says, “That bitch knows what’s up.” Our guts do not steer us wrong. When we are struggling deep down on whether or not we should speak up or remain silent, it is always best to follow our gut.
It’s the things we don’t say that we may end up regretting.
P.S. Just to reassure anyone who is reading this, my dental hygiene has drastically improved since my younger days.
